The past two weeks I did not feel my best. I did not sleep well. I did not feel like exercising. I felt stressed and sad and like my skin was paper thin. I am not supposed to feel this way right now. I am supposed to feel happy and excited for the future and enjoy my time off. And yet... I feel sad and anxious and stressed.
It is very easy to beat yourself up in this situation. To add to your hurt and angst by telling yourself you are not allowed to feel that way. Happiness is a fragile and complicated construct for some of us. It can be so easy at times, can be sparked by perfect milky froth on your latte on your way to work or by sun on your skin or by a warm hug. But sometimes these things fail to spark that joy inside of you. Sometimes the entire world feels like a crushing weight on top of you and every action you take, every walk, every workout, every move outside of your bed and away from the TV that keeps you distracted feels like an uphill battle. And sometimes you wonder why you even bother when you come back to these feelings of dullness and sadness again. I had good even great times in the last week. I went to Berlin and saw two of my friends I have not seen since September. We talked for 13 hours straight and I felt so loved and so at peace during that weekend. I don´t want to say I am deeply unhappy, there is so much joy and amazing things in my everyday life, I just want to say that I am at a point I always wanted to be: I have the job I always dreamt of. I will move to the city I always wanted to live in. I have an amazing family and great friends - and I will still feel like shit at times.

That does not make me ungrateful or a bad person. We just happen to be sad sometimes. Maybe that has a reason and it is good to look for that. But sometimes we can also just accept that it is a normal human emotion to feel sadness. Even and especially when you should not.
I have been on the move since February. I had my own room for four weeks over the past seven months. I lived abroad for five months and I still have not fully wrapped my head around being back home, because I really did not have the time for it so far. I have a very, very loud critic in my head and I thought he would shut up once I get the job I was dreaming of. But funnily enough that did not happen. It feels like I have been fighting that voice inside of me for years and I always hope my accomplishments will shut it up. But at this point I just need to accept that this voice is here to stay. That it will always creep up when I feel too good or feel proud. It´s sad. I wish I could be more arrogant. Celebrate myself and my accomplishments more. See what I have achieved and not tear myself down all the time. But the fact is: this voice is not going to stop. But I will stop to listen to it. I will not give that voice power. I will scream words of love at myself. I will be louder. Even if it sometimes feels like a loosing battle. Because that voice is lying. And deep down inside I know it.

Read: I am currently reading The Corrections by Jonathan Frazen. It is an amazing piece of writing, so so witty, so so funny and still so uncomfortable at times. I am really enjoying it and have been blazing through the first 600 pages, which is always a great sign.

Watched: Homecoming and Knock Down the House on Netflix. Women are just so fucking, incredibly amazing especially and above all women of colour. The intense fight that we all have inside of us, the toughness and at the same time the loving softness of women is something I will forever be amazed by.  I can´t recommend these two movies enough!

Listened to: The Live Album of Beyoncé´s Coachella performance. What a bloody legend this woman is.

Realised: How lucky I am to have found friends in every single place that I lived in, who are loving, caring and supportive and how great they made me feel even from far away.

Returned: To a regular Yoga practise, which feels so incredibly good.

Missed: The times I was able to fall asleep no matter where, no matter when.

Ordered: An intense amount of dresses for my graduation next week. The discussion on Instagram remains heated

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1 Kommentare

  1. I am glad you are fine and feeling good. Keep the good energy going


Thanks so much for your lovely comments, constructive criticism and suggestions. I will try to answer all of you!